Tectonic Tuesday: Special Ramadan Edition

Given the controversy surrounding my efforts to raise awareness of the dangers posed by immodest women and their naked flesh to the safety of us all (as revealed to us when the great and wise Imam of Imams Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi stated in April of 2010 that "women who do not dress modestly ... spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes"), I am once again refraining from posting a Tectonic Tuesday Case Study.

I want the most holy Imam Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi to be able to enjoy the Holy Month of Ramada with a calm mind, not having to worry that my calling attention to immodest, earth-shattering women might be increasing the problem rather than elevating it.

Instead, here are tips for those ladies out there who want to go to beach and enjoy the sun, sand, and sea without the risk of causing earthquakes.

Modesty by the Sea:
Tectonic Tuesday Ramadan Special Report
First, let me stress that there is no doubt what so ever than large number of women prancing about immodestly in bikinis is a danger to the planet. The Chinese proved this beyond a shadow of a doubt in 2008 when their stunt to create the Olympic Rings out of bikini-clad women gathered over 1,200 of these immodesty females in one place, triggering earthquakes in Oregon, California, and China's own Sichuan Province.


But how then can a woman of conscience avoid being the cause of such disasters while still enjoying summer sea-side activities?

One option is the Burkini. This is swimwear developed to ensure that no woman will ever cause an earthquake while on the beach. Of course, numerous instances of women in Burkinis being shot with tranquilizer darts and shipped off to the mysterious land of the Teletubbies in tragic cases of mistaken identities show there's a different sort of risk that arises from the Burkini.

The ideal situation is to strike a middleground, being modest in your dress while not looking like a Teletubbie or an extra from Cirque de Soleil on a smoke break.

Laurin here had the right idea. As Imam Slammy (as the all-wise Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi is known to his friends) would undoubtedly confirm, the second biggest threat from immodest women is their uncovered heads and that sexy, sexy hair! But she isn't wearing a top. Going topless at the beach isn't very modest. (Of course, by going topless, women will make it easier for men to engage in the fatwa-approved adult breast feeding recommended by Abi Ishaq Al Huwaini of Saudi Arabia, a great man who is almost as wise as Imam Slammy himself. But the risk of earthquakes is probably not worth it.)

The Tectonic Tuesday staff recommends the Burkini design to the left is the only solution that allows women to enjoy the beach while avoiding the risk of being mistaken for a Teletubby and hunted down by animal control, or spreading adultery and (consequently) increasing earthquakes. It is actually more modest than the Burkini, as it covers the face as well as the hair and arms. The only possible way to improve this design was to have the woman wear parachute pants along with it.

Another option would be for women who insist on wearing immodest swimwear to frequent women-only beaches. There are a few of those around the world. Adventuress (and notoriously immodest woman) Lara Croft recommends the one in Italy's Riccione Resort.

Tectonic Tuesday: Special Ramadan Edition

In recognition of the Holy Month of Ramadan, I will refrain this week from posting pictures of dangerous, immodest, earthquake-causing women. Sources tell me that the all-wise, all-knowing Imam of Imams Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, who revealed to us the danger women prose to the world when he said "Many women who do not dress modestly ... spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes," is concerned that my efforts to spread his word might in itself be causing earthquakes.

So, to make sure that the most holy and wise of the Imams can have a restful Ramadan, I am skipping this week's case study in favor of showing pictures of properly modest women (and others) in burkas.

First up, a properly modest woman showing that it IS possible for a fanatical Muslim to also be a patriotic American. Can anyone reading this say that they have ever wrapped themselves more thoroughly in the flag than Aisha Khan here? (I think that's Aisha under there. It could be her brother Ali... he likes to dress in women's clothing.)

These burkas will be on sale at the gift shop when the Cordoba House mosque opens in lower Manhattan, a clear demonstration that the effort is not a giant "fuck you" to the United States of America.

Speaking of Ali, this is definately him, enjoying himself in one of Aisha's burkas. It is said that a cross-dressing man isn't necessarily a homosexual. This is not the case in Islamic society, however. Hamas, al-Qaida, Fatah, and other Muslim-based terrorist groups are comprised mostly of homosexuals, and those who cross-dress are the biggest queers of them all. Before missions of suicide bombings and murders, it is a tradition--one that reportedly goes all the way back to Mohammed--for the Lions of Islam to ass-rape one another while screaming "Alluh Akbar!" as loud as they can. But only after the moon has risen during the Holy Month of Ramadan.

By way of contrast, here's Paris Hilton--presenting herself as modest as she ever gets--surrounded by properly modest women. None of these women caused earthquakes on the day this picture was taken, but only the Grand Imam Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi knows if Hilton was wearing the wrong hair.