The Complete Street Fighter

Although the word "ninja" never comes up in the "Street Fighter" series, the character played by Sonny Chiba, in the three movies that collectively make up his most famous effort internationally, sure seems like a ninja to me. So, on this, the final of the Nine Days of the Ninja, I bring you The Complete Street Fighter! Three movies of eye-gouging, penis-ripping glory in which Sonny Chiba takes the ancient art of making goofy faces while doing martial arts to heights that Bruce Lee could only have dreamed of!

If you want to see what REAL martial artists are capable of--what truly talented fighters can do without camera tricks and wire-harnesses--you need to check out these films.


The Street Fighter (1974)
Starring: Sonny Chiba, Waichi Yamada, Yutaka Nakajimam, Akira Shioji, and Tony Cetera
Director: Shigehiro Ozawa
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

When a gruff, anti-social martial-artist-for-hire (Chiba) turns down a Yakuza contract to kidnap the heiress of an oil-based financial empire (Nakajimam), he discovers they'd rather kill him than risk him revealing their plans. So, he does the only sensible thing a human engine of death and destruction can do: He offers his services in protection of the heiress, and proceeds to tear through her enemies like so much tissue paper. However, a callous act of his past will come back to haunt him, complicating his fight against the foot-soldiers of the international crime cartel.

"The Street Fighter" may be a fairly low-tech and low-budget action film, but it shows that martial arts fights scenes don't need wires and CGI to be exciting... they just need actors who really know their stuff!

When it comes right down to it, the plot in this film is pretty nonsensical and so full of holes that it'll collapse if you try to give it even the slightest thought. But who cares? The fight scenes are extremely cool and horribly violent at times. (Is there any other film where the hero has ripped the gonads off a would-be rapist with his bare hand?)

Interestingly, despite the films title, the main character, martial arts mercenary Takuma "Terry" Tsurugi doesn't seem like much of a street fighter. He seems far more like a ninja, both in how he dresses and how he behaves. This is no more clear than in the film's climax where he singlehanded takes on a floating nest of bad guys on an oil tanker. (I also think that this, more than any other film, must have inspired the notion that the purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people. Lord knows Terry does some flipping out AND he kills a ton of people in this movie!)

Although "The Street Fighter" was rated X for its eye-gouging, throat-slitting, and penis-ripping graphic violence back when it was first released in 1974, I really didn't see any violence worse than the average slasher flick or "torture porn" movie that gets R-ratings these days. (And unless the censors were a little more artful with this film than usual, I think I viewed an uncut copy.)

"The Street Fighter" is a movie that fans of martial arts and action films need to see. It's a classic of the genre, weak script aside, its got great fight scenes, great soundtrack music (with a catchy theme)... and Sonny Chiba makes more goofy faces while fighting in this single movie than Bruce Lee did in his entire career!


Return of the Street Fighter (1975)
Starring: Sonny Chiba, Masafumi Suzuki, Yôko Ichiji, Masashi Ishibashi, and Hiroshi Tanaka
Director: Shigehiro Ozawa
Steve's Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Takuma "Terry" Tsurugi (Chiba) opens a new can of whup-ass when Otaguro (Tanaka), the master of a martial arts school that's serving as a money-laundering front for an international partnership forged by the Mafia and Yakuza, targets the incorruptible martial arts master Masaoka (Ishibashi) for death. But can even Terry's powerful Karate carry the day when female assistant (Suzuki) is plotting with Otaguro, and an old and deadly enemy returns from the grave to confront him?

"Return of the Street Fighter" has fight scenes as great as the ones in the first movie. Some are even better, like the Terry's mountain-top fight against a band of expert martial artists armed with traditional Japanese weapons, or his confrontation and battle with Jonju, whose pulse someone clearly should have thought to take as the end credits rolled on "The Street Fighter". Oh, and while Terry does about the same amount of skull-cracking, bone-breaking and internal organ crushing as in the first film, he doesn't make nearly the same amount of funny faces while doing it. (Those are reserved almost entirely for the climactic battle where Terry takes on a whole building full of gangsters.)

Although the story is full of logical lapses and incomprehensible actions on the part of the characters, the story is a bit stronger, because it draws the lines between the good guys and bad guys a bit more clearly. Terry may be even more amoral and money-grubbing than he was in the first film, as he starts this film in the employ of the gangsters as an assassin. However, his change-of-heart to join the side of the good guys appears to be motivated by a sense of justice... or at least a desire for revenge, because the employers he turns against here make the international gangsters from "The Street Fighter" look like a bunch of Mormon missionaries.

With a slightly stronger storyline, more evil bad guys and lots of cool martial arts scenes (which include a little Wire-Fulooooooong flashbacks that consist of clips taken from "The Street Fighter". Some 10-15 minutes of the film's 83-minute running time is included for no reason other than to make the film longer.

(Interestingly, the filmmakers almost entirely avoided the one bit of recycling I wish they had engaged in--the reusing of the "Street Fighter Theme" from the original film. I think we only hear it once in this film.)

It's a shame the director or producers couldn't be content with a 70 or 75 minute film. Just losing the bulk of the padding would have made this a far superior movie (and would have earned it a 7-rating in my eyes). It's still entertaining, and if you enjoy martial arts films I think you'll get a kick out of Terry Tsurugi second round against international organized crime.


The Street Fighter's Last Revenge (1979)
Starring: Sonny Chiba, Reiko Ike, Koji Wada, Tatsuo Endo, Akira Shiojo, Sue Shihomi, and the Voice of George Takai
Director: Shigehiro Ozawa
Steve's Rating: Five of Ten Stars

Mercenary martial arts expert (read ninja!) Takuma "Terry" Tsurugi (Chiba) is hired by a criminal syndicate to secure the secret formula for a synthetic type of heroin that can be manufactured for virtually nothing. Instead of paying Terry the agreed-upon-sum, the gangster try to cheat and kill him--will they never learn?--which causes Terry to kick much ass and steal part of the formula to hold it until he is paid. When a corrupt district attorney (Wada) and an exceptionally slutty vamp (Ike) get in on the action, even more ass is kicked, and much crossing and double-crossing takes place. Will Terry EVER get paid?!

"The Street Fighter's Last Revenge" is the second and final sequel to "Street Fighter". It has a few improvements over "Return of the Street Fighter", but, overall, it's another step downward quality-wise.

On the upside, the film is as fast-paced as the original "Street Fighter", perhaps even moreso, because it is virtually padding-free. There are no long, nearly pointless sequences of students practicing martial arts (as we had in the original film) nor are there reels worth of repeated footage (as we had in "Return of the Street Fighter"). In fact, there is hardly a quiet moment in the entire film--even a semi-romantic/comic interlude ends up presenting some action.

On the downside, the film has a rushed quality to it. The foley work is downright pathetic, with the same sound being used for a ribcage being crushed as for a punch in the face, and the same same gun sound for a shotgun or a revolver. The fight scenes are not nearly as impressive or well-choreographed as in the first two films, and there is more one instance where even the camera placement is off to the point where it's evident that blows aren't actually connecting.

Even more disappointing is the change that has been made to the character of Terry Tsurugi; in this film, his in-your-face brutality has been dialed back a couple of notches and his apartment has sprouted secret compartments and he has developed disguise skills that rivals those of the agents from "Mission Impossible". He's even making fewer funny faces while channeling his chi and breaking people's bones. (He still has his moments of extreme brutality, such as when he tosses a foe into an oven in a crematorium and turns on the fire, but, overall, he comes across as if he was James Bond with a smaller operating budget and no social graces.)

For the dubbed English language version, there are the additional problems of what I am certain amounts to bad translations that end up making it hard to identify who the various factions in the film are, the fact that most of the voice actors are so bad that shouldn't even be allowed to do computer game voices, and that it's very distracting to hear George Takai doing one of the film's villains. Someone with such a distinctive voice shouldn't really be doing live-action dubbing once their face is famous.

Although fast-paced and entertaining, "The Street Fighter's Last Revenge" is a disappointing close to the series. While the finale of the film involves an explosion, it still closes the book on the Street Fighter not with a bang but with a whimper. (Come to think of it, even Terry's final lines have a bit of a whiny, whimpering quality to them. Of course, if I was looking at the terrible sight he was gazing upon, I'd feel a bit whiny too.)

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'A Fistful of Talons' equals karate nonsense

A Fistful of Talons (1983)
Starring: Billy Chong, Ying Bai, Hilda Liu and Feng Tien
Director: Chung Sun
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

An obnoxious young martial artist who enjoys tormenting Manchurians in the decade following the fall of the Ching Dynasty (Chong) becomes intrigued by a mysterious traveler (Bai) and decides to follow him. Along the way, he becomes engaged to and skips out on a young woman who raises eagles as a hobby (Liu), and becomes embroiled in a plot to restore the Ching Emperor to power.


"A Fistful of Talons" is a movie rushes headlong from fight scene to fight scene, hardly ever taking a break from slap-stick flavored confrontations to life-or-death battles with the future of China at stake. It's a film that I found surprisingly entertaining, given that I found the "hero" to be an obnoxious git.

This is a film that has all the strengths and weaknesses of the best Chinese martial arts movies from the late 1970s and early 1980s. On the plus side, the fights are peformed by real acrobats and martial artists with little or no use of wires and trick photography. On the downside, the film is a little incoherent in the area of plot, and, like so many other Chinese action movies of this period, it ends literally when the hero strikes the killing blow against the main villain. And if there ever was a movie that needed a denoument, this is the one.

Did Jerk Boy and the girl he promised to marry resolve their differences (and get married)? What happened with the Seal of the Emperor, a major maguffin throughout the film? Did Jerk Boy become a more serious participant in the Republician effort, or did he stick with harrassing random Manchurians? Moreso than in any other early 1980s martial arts film, I was left after the obligatory still-frame and "The End" title card wanting to know how the story ended. I wanted to know the answer to those questions and others. Because of that, the film teeters on the brink of a 7 rating, as it clearly drew me in, despite my dislike of the "hero". But because I don't get that ending, I'm keeping my rating on the low side.





If you like martial arts movies, be sure come back in November for Nine Days of the Ninja.

'Kung Pow: Enter the Fist' is a masterfulcollection of lunacy and special effects

Kung Pow: Enter the Fist (2002)
Starring: Jennifer Tung and Steve Oedekerk
Director: Steve Oedekerk
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

"Kung Pow: Enter the Fist" is a tale of two movies. First, there was a weak Kung Fu flim from the 70s. Then, writer Steve Oedekerk got his hands on it, wrote an all new storyline and English dialogue for redubbing, rearranged many of the scenes (and shot a few new ones) accordingly, tricked himself into the film in place of the original hero, and performed other CGI manipulations to produce a truly hilarious spoof.


The story is of an orphan who becomes a martial arts expert (chosen weapon: a matched pair of gophers) who is on a quest to find Master Pain, the villain who killed his parents when he was but a baby. Never has a quest been so insane, however.

You won't find any highbrow humor here--and I suspect that there will soon be a study issued that watching "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist" causes the IQ of viewers to drop at least a dozen points--but it is repleat with hilarous quotable lines, nonsequitors, and jokes that will first leave you wondering if you witnesses what you think you witnessed and then have you howling with laughter.

It's definately a film for lovers of base, stupid humor, and for anyone who's ever mocked one of those truly craptacular Kung Fu movies from the 70s. If you belong to either grooup, you'll have fun. If young belong to both, you might even enjoy watching "Kung Pow" more than once.

(BTW, the DVD has a whole raft of hilarous and interesting extras, with the "Long-lost Book on Tape Version" being particularly funny.)

Chinese peasants give the Japs what-for!

This month, it's 65 years since the United States of America dropped two atom bombs on Japan and brought an end to World War II. This is one of several reviews I'm posting to mark the anniversary.


Blood on the Sun (aka "The Big Fight") (1972)
Starring: Roc Tien and Ching Ching Chang
Director: Ting Mei Sung
Rating: Eight of Ten Stars

During the Japanese occupation of northern China during WW2, a local commander of the forces occupying a small town and its corrupt, collaborating leadership engage in a campaign of oppression and terror. When resistance fighters start appearing and successfully challenging, the Japanese stage a competition where they invite the villagers to test their fighting skills against the best of martial artists in the region's occupying force, hoping pride will draw out the rebels and allow them to be killed.


"Blood on the Sun" is nicely staged martial arts drama with thoroughly despicable, perverted villains (the Japanese troops and their Chinese collaborators harass and/or rape any woman they come across... and that's just to warm up) and brave, morally upstanding peasant heroes.

This movie is one of countless Chinese movies that portray the Japanese military as evil, perverted butchers... and given what happened in places like Nanking and in backwaters like the one portrayed in this film, it's understandable. However, it is also a great martial arts movie with some great set-piece fight scenes--like the one where the girl resistance fighter whips off her skirt and reveals it to be lined with dozens of razor-sharp metal disks and ready for use as a weapon--and better-than-average dubbing (as far as obscure 1970s martial arts flicks go).


The film will also entertain those who appreciate down-to-earth, realistic martial arts battles. The most fantastic the film even gets is when the hero throws a dagger at a Japanese soldier and kills him without even turning around to draw aim. And please don't mistake down-to-earth with boring in this case. Every single fight in this film is very dramatic and exciting. In fact, I think I this film may now rank among my favorite martial arts movies of all time.

Of course, with a movie like this, one has to just live in the moment and not consider what happens to the heroes once the film is over. Given the historical truth regarding the brutality of the Japanese Imperial Army, I doubt any of the villagers in the film would survive for long once more troops arrived and that the burning rubble of their homes would serve as their graves. The triumph at the end of this film is a fleeting one at best, and while the Japanese were ultimately defeated, uprisings such as the one in this film in reality ended badly for the rebels.

Still, "Blood on the Sun" is an entertaining and well-paced film. The only real complaint I have is with the abrupt ending, but I'm not sure if the version I saw is complete. The print used for the DVD transfer was pretty ragged in places, so I wouldn't be surprised if a few seconds were completely missing at the end. (Despite this flaw, I count this film among the many pleasant surprises that I've found in the "Martial Arts 50 Movie Pack" DVD collection.

'Shaolin Soccer' scores!

Shaolin Soccer (2001)
Starring: Stephen Chow, Man Tat Ng, Zhao Wei, and Yin Tse
Director: Stephen Chow
Rating: Nine of Ten Stars

A soccer coach (Ng) seeking revenge on the rival who ruined his career (Tse), and a martial arts student wanting to revive public interest in Kung Fu (Chow) join forces to create a team that consisting of misfits and martial artists. The sport of soccer will never be the same!


"Shaolin Soccer" is a wild comedy that takes the standard elements of traditional martial arts movies and legends and the standard elements of sports movies and combines them in hilarious and unexpected ways. Toss in lots of clever CGI, and you've got one of the funniest movies ever released.

From the main characters meet, you'll be watching this film with a smile on your face. That smile will get broader when the sweetbun-making Kung Fu master and love interest played by Zhao Wei is introduced into the story. You'll be laughing out loud over the goalie who's a spitting image of Bruce Lee, you'll giggle at the bizarre all-women soccer team Team Mustache (led in hilarious fashion by Karen Mok), and you'll try to cheer on Team Shoalin Soccer as they take on Team Evil for the championship... although you'll probably be too busy laughing at the bizarre on-field antics when battle auras mingle with passes and penalty kicks.

Lovers of manga artist Rumiko Takahashi's "Ranma 1/2" absolutely must see this movie. It does for soccer what she did for ice skating and gymnastics. Lovers of films like "Croaching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" should also seek this film out, because I think you'll get a big kick out of the Kung Fu comedy in it. "Shaolin Soccer" is a sweet, silly, romantic "underdogs do good" tale that I think is a must-see.

(By the way, the DVD version I screened contains both the original Chinese edit of film and the version that was released in theaters in America. You should watch the Chinese version, as it is superior. There are some key character-establishing elements that have been cut from the American version, and they messed with the soundtrack. The orchestra score playing over the film's final scene is far more effective than the lame remake of "Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting" that is heard in the U.S. version. The Nine-Star rating here is for the Chinese version. The U.S. edit rates Eight Stars.)

'The Forbidden Kingdom' is worth visiting

The Forbidden Kingdom (2008)
Starring: Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Michael Angarano, Yifei Liu, Colin Chou, and Bingbing Li
Director: Rob Minkoff
Rating: Ten of Ten Stars

A nerdy American teenager (Angarano) is transported to mythical ancient China where he must free the immortal Monkey King (Li) by returning his magical fighting staff to him and engineering the defeat of the Jade Warlord (Chou). He is aided in his quest by a drunken warrior-scholar (Chan), a taciturn monk (Li, again), and a vengeance-seeking young bard (Liu).


"The Forbidden Kingdom" is a martial arts fantasy extravaganza that the entire family can enjoy. It's got action, humor, fantastic set and costume design, interesting heroes, flashy villains, and some pretty nifty martial arts scenes. The storyline seems to have been arrived at by a thorough blending of 30 years of martial arts movies, Asian mythology, western fantasy fiction and movies. The film plays both as its own stand-alone work and as a loving tribute to all the many sources it draws from.

On a technical level, I was in awe over the incredible attention to detail shown by the production staff on this film. Particularly impressive was the costuming and make-up of the Monkey King and the bird-like, whitehaired Witch (who is a character bound to creep out the young kids in the audience and who is played with chilling iciness by Bingbing Li) and the continuity between shots and scenes in sequences such as the battle between Chan and Li's characters in an abandoned temple, or the effects on Liu's Young Sparrow character from the fight with the Witch. If there is an award for continuity control, this film deserves one!


If you're a parent who loves Asian mythology, martial arts and fantasy--or perhaps even just fantasy-- and you want to share that this is a film you should share with your 10-14 year-old kids.

And if the family enjoys "The Forbidden Kingdom", allow me to recommend my favorite obscure anime "Mask of Zeguy" (aka simply "Zeguy". It's a similar tale where a teenaged girl is transported to a mythical kingdom in the clouds and must save both it and our world from an evil sorceress. It may only be available via services like Netflix these days, but you won't regret chasing it down.)

Cinematic Black History Milestone:First Black Samurai

Fighting Mad (aka "Death Force") (1978)
Starring: James Inglehart, Leon Isaac Kennedy, Carmen Argenziano, and Jayne Kennedy
Director: Cirio H. Santiago
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Doug (Inglehart) and two other American soldiers (Kennedy and Argenziano) are returning home from Vietnam with a cache of gold earned by working with the black market when his partners-in-crime betray him and throw him into the ocean for dead. Rescued and befriended by a pair of soldiers of the Imperial Japanese Army who have been living secretly on an isolated South Sea island, Doug is taught the ways of Samurai. Eventually making his way back to the States, he reunites with his wife (Jayne Kennedy) and sets about taking revenge on the men who betrayed him, by first dismantling the criminal empire they've built and then taking their lives.


"Fighting Mad" has all the making of a REALLY bad movie. When Doug was rescued by a pair of Japanese soldiers who didn't know WW2 was over, I was certain I was in for a stupid movie as well as a bad one. However, as ludicrous as the notion of him just happening to wash up on a desert island with a pair of old Japanese soldiers (one of whom just happens to be an honest-to-gosh samurai), it all worked.

Full of 1970s-ism such as pimps in big hats, Italian gangsters loving restaurants, references to Black Muslims, vengeful martial artists, and corrupt, twisted Vietnam veterans, this film turns out to be a rather engaging revenge flick. The Japanese soldiers turn out to be more charming than laughable, and the training period that Doug goes through is one that starts to feel believable. The same is true of the rise to power of the Vietnam vets turned Los Angeles crimelords in an age when gangsters still had a veneer of businessmen about them. The movie overall is a rather engaging, old-fashioned crime/martial arts fantasy with the villains who are such nasty pieces of work that it's a delight to watch our hero--reformed by the tutalage of an honorable warrior and the love he has for his wife and child--take them apart.

If the editing of the film had been just a tiny bit less abrupt--it seemed like there were only two establishing shots in the whole movie--this could have easily have rated a Seven or perhaps even an Eight on the Tomato-scale. The script was well done, tne acting good, and the action well-staged.

"Fighting Mad" is a movie that anyone who enjoyed "Kill Bill" or movies like it. It's also a movie that carries with it a curiously modern message of racial harmony, something that wasn't exactly common in "drive-in" type movies like this one back then. The man villains are a white and a black man working together with hired muscle that's mostly Italian or Hispanic, while the hero is trained by Japanese on the desert island, teams with a Japanese cabbie Stateside, and is helped along in his quest for revenge by one of the few white cops not bought off by the villains.

(Oh.. if someone out there reading this knows Brian De Palma, point this movie out to him. It's got those corrupt, murderous United States soldiers he's so fond of telling the world about. Maybe "Fighting Mad" will become a favorite and he'll be inspired to make a movie that's entertaining.)





"Fighting Mad" is included in several different low-priced DVD multipacks. It can also occasionally be found under its original title "Death Force."

Cinematic Black History Milestone:First Fusion of Hiphop and Martial Arts

The Last Dragon (1985)
Starring: Tiamak, Vanity, Christopher Murney, Julius Carry, Faith Prince, Mike Starr and Leo O'Brien
Director: Michael Schultz
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

Leroy Green (Tiamak), a young martial artist hoping to reach the ultimate level of Kung Fu and spirituality is instructed by his master to seek the mysterious philosopher Sum Dum Goi in New York City's Chinatown. But between the young man and enlightenment stand the vicious Shogun of Harlem, Sho'Nuff (Carry) and a crazed would-be music producer (Murney), and romance with a gorgeous VJ (Vanity).

"The Last Dragon" is a fun fusion of music, Kung Fu and comedy. I had fond memories of watching this film as a kid and, seeing it again, I was surprised at what had remained with me. It wasn't the kooky characters, it wasn't the Chinese Wiggers, it wasn't even the big fight scenes that close out the movie... no, the thing that stuck with me was the dark secret surrounding by Sum Dum Goi.


I'm not sure why that part of the film stuck with me--it's actually a fairly minor element--but maybe I was startled and amazed by the revelation when I was kid, perhaps even as shocked and disappointed as Leroy when he discovers the truth. But, seeing the film as an adult, I immediately saw that the truth about Sum Dum Goi was telegraphed from the first mention of his name.

Although this film is very much a product of its time, I think it's a movie that kids might be able to enjoy today, as well as a film that adults who are young at heart (or who grew up in the 1980s) might be able to have lots of fun with.

The Mysterious 'Ninja Death' Trilogy

"Ninja Death" is a film as mysterious as the ninja themselves.

Although I've done the same level of research that CNN does when vetting submitted questions for a Republican YouTube debate, I've been unable to discover much information about "Ninja Death". I've been able to identify a very small number of the actors in the film, I have no idea who directed it, originally produced it, or if it was even ever finished and released in its original homeland of China (or maybe Taiwan).


What I do know is that the "Ninja Death" trilogy was originally a REALLY long movie that was broken into three parts. Although a credit sequence was filmed--with ninja and each principal actor doing a couple of martial arts tricks and poses, no credits are listed on screen. The English dubbing seems to have run into financial difficulties, as the voice actors change a couple of different times throughout the movies--most noticably in "Ninja Death I" when the American/Australian voice actors are suddenly replaced by a bunch of British actors who all sound like they just got back from the Gay Pride Parade--so the lack of credits might be a result of the film being abandoned in the middle of the localization/export process.

Another theory I have is that the film wasn't even finished and released in its country of origin. It could be that the bloated running time of a little over four hours is where the film stood after its first cut by the now-anonymous director and editor... and that further editing would have taken place, but they never got to it. (There's an entire subplot with a farmer and his daugther that probably would have been cut if another editing pass has been done on the film when it was to be a single work.)

Whatever the case, "Ninja Death" was a production in trouble and it ran out of money at least once, perhaps even twice, and no one bothered to spend any money to completely finish it. Abandoned, and chopped into a "trilogy" it's now available in budget collections like the "Martial Arts 50 Movie Pack" (which is where I came by it/them). If anyone out there knows more about the history of the "Ninja Death" film/films, I'd love to hear from you. In the meantime, here's my take on the three movies.

But first... important facts learned in "Ninja Death": Ninjas vote Republican, and nothing says romance like somnambu-rape.

(By the way, the films has a very catchy main theme. As I'm typing these words, I'm finding myself whistling it. Of course, the movie also strangely uses random James Bond themes and possibly music from other sources I'm not familiar with, so it could be that the "Ninja Death Theme" I'm humming is also originally from somewhere else.)



Ninja Death I (1979? 1983? 1999?)
Starring: Lo Yiu, Luk Yee Fung, and Alexander Lou (based on web research; no names on film)
Director: None credited
Steve's Rating: Six of Ten Stars

The happy-go-lucky bouncer at a small-town Chinese brothel, Tiger (Lou), finds his life turned upside-down when secrets known only to his Kung Fu master (Fong) bring the Master and his hoard of fanatical, bloodthirsty ninja to town. As the ninjas are butchering beggars and prostitutes left and right, Tiger struggles to unlock his own mighty Ninja Power that lurks within his breast. But will he manage to do so in time, or will Ninja Death II" feature an all-new cast?

"Ninja Death I" is an example of what happens when a film project runs out of money and is abandoned. Not only do the voice actors change completely halfway through (suddenly, everyone in the film developes British accents, and the voice actor portraying Tiger goes from American and moderately talented to British and totally talent free), but no one even bothered placing English language credits over the extensive opening sequence or even to add a "To Be Continued" over the spinning Bad Guy at the abrupt end of the film. (And there's no doubt the film was made to have credits, becauze each major character gets to do goofy ninja stuff against a red background and then pose at the point the actor's name and the character he or she portrays should appear).

Speaking of Goofy Ninja Stuff... this film has it in spades! This is the kind of movie I was hoping to come across when I decared November Ninja Month. The film features an Evil Ninja Cult Leader (the "Grand Master") who has come to town with his band of black-clad ninjas, a red-clad, masked madman who is unleashed by the playing of a flute, and a band of prostitutes who are going to help him in his quest... which is to find a man with a plum flower tattooed on his chest. (And what better way to get a look at beefcake than to have an abundance of Japanese prostitutes on hand?)

And the ninjas are exactly the kind of ninjas you'd expect. They are creeping around in the forest and attacking people. They are running with tiny steps and in single file while holding their swords at awkward angles. They are killing Japanese lords while they are having sex. They are wiping out entire households. They are scamperring up ropes while barely hanging onto them. They are leaping into treetops from a standing start. They are performing acrobat tumbles for absolutely no reason. They are hiding deep, dark secrets. They are infiltrating the citizenry and each other's ranks, just because they can. They are killing beggars and whores just because they can. AND they are appearing and dissapearing under the cover of smoke boms! Ah, joy... Goofy Ninja Stuff in abundance!

In addition to the Goofy Ninja Stuff, this film has lots of silly and extreme martial arts training techniques and nonsensical "wisdom" from the martial arts master, not to mention lots of really badly translated dialogue that is made even funnier by the questionable talent of the voice actors.

On the downside, "Ninja Death I" is unnecessarily crude at times. I'm by no means a prude, but the unmotivated sex scenes and sexually charged behavior and language from some characters was more irritating than entertaining. (The extended sex scene during the explanation of "what is a ninja" was particularly obnoxious and dull. If you're going to put crap in your movie in search of an R or X rating, at least make it entertaining.)

"Ninja Death I" is not a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination. It's not even that good a movie, but there are some nifty martial arts fight scenes and much silly Ninja Stuff! (Plus, this is the film that proves the statement "Ninjas Vote Republican". Why else would they kill all the beggars and Chinese prostitutes in the town?)



Ninja Death II (1979? 1983? 1999?)
Starring: Alexander Lou and Fei Meng (I think; no credits on film)
Director: Someone whose name was left off the credits
Steve's Rating: Three of Ten Stars

A young martial artist-in-training named Tiger (Lou) is being stalked by Evil Ninja. After his master and adopted father is defeated by Ninjas, almost killed, and then commits suicide by punching himself in the head for God-only-knows-what-reason as he hadn't finished telling telling everything he needed to know about his past, the deadly Masked Ninja, and why the Grand Master's Evil Ninja Cult that's out to kill him, Tiger continues to study the Art of the Ninja under new masters, including a pair of double-agents among the Grand Master's own ranks. But will he survive when he chooses to confront the Grand Master before his training is complete?

"Ninja Death II" is the middle part of a looong Chinese martial arts film that was divided into three seperate movies for export, and it feels like the middle of a long movie. Very little actually happens in the "film" and about 20 minutes are actually repeated footage from "Ninja Death I". (Oddly, these flashbacks don't do a whole lot to explain who the various players in the movie's plot are, so they're included more for padding than to catch up those who haven't seen the first installment in this trilogy.)

"Ninja Death II" also repeats the credit-less opening and closing sequences that were featured on the first film, but the voice actors (which suddenly became British halfway through "Ninja Death I") are back to being American. As a result, our hero, Tiger, is back to sounding like a doofus instead of a Gay Pride icon.

In this installment of the series, we are treated to boring, overlong sequences with Tiger trying to master the fighting style of Ninjas (which, in this film's conception is the "royal style" of Japan's nobility), we learn a few secrets about Tiger's history, and we have Tiger rape yet another girl while sleeping. (His first somnambu-rape was of a ninja call-girl in "Ninja Death I". Here, he forces himself upon an innocent peasant girl while dreaming about his first victim. And, just like the ninja call-girl, the peasant woman seems to fall in love with Tiger after being raped. Those wacky Chinese....) The only interesting plot developments occur when the Grand Master--who's the only Oriental villain with worse fashion sense than Fu Manchu--discovers the traitors in his ranks and sends his Ninja after them, and the Masked Ninja escapes and ends up on a fatal collision course with Tiger, who, unbeknownst to him, is the son of the Masked Ninja.

As for the fight scenes and Ninja Death Action that made "Ninja Death I" entertaining, we don't even get much of that here. With the exception of a fight where the Grand Master shows that he has big balls (in both senses of that), everything else in "Ninja Death II" is subplot material, filler material, and tasteless somnambu-rape scenes.

Speaking of rape.... For some reason, the filmmakers used James Bond theme music in both scenes involved forced sexual encounters. The first scene was in a Japanese household where the theme from "You Only Live Twice" is heard as a drunkard rapes the adopted mother of three boys as they watch. Then, we hear the theme from "Man With the Golden Gun" as Tiger rapes the peasant girl. And it's not downbeat or suspense-oriented versions of the tunes either... it's quiet, romantic renditions. Nothing says romance like somnambu-rape!)



Ninja Death III (1979? 1983? 1999?)
Starring: Alexander Lou, Fei Meng, and a buch of other actors whose names aren't on the credits
Director: Someone whose name was left off the credits
Steve's Rating: Four of Ten Stars

In the third installment of this epic tale of revenge, Tiger (Lou) discovers he's the son of the Japanese emporer's sister, completes his training in the martial arts style of the Imperial Japanese (and some other obscure fighting style that comes from who-knows-where), and joins his allies-- a blind Kung Fu master, three monks who live in barrels, a samurai, and a brother/sister pair of ninja--in a final battle to the death against the evil Grand Master and his cult of murderous Evil Ninja.

"Ninja Death III" is all about Kung Fu fighter and ninja killing. There's some plot here--including the soap operatic elements of Tiger and his mother being reunited--but it's so nonsensical and badly motivated that you're better off pretending it doesn't exist. The confusing isn't help any by the fact the characters are speaking lines so badly translated into English that in some places it's hard to grasp their meaning. (If you watch this film and can figure out why the Blind Master and Sakura, Tiger's Ninja Squeeze, decide to play a game of cross and double-cross with the Grand Master, drop me a line. It makes absolutely no sense to me.)

Although a step up from "Ninja Death II"--and it starts promisingly with a brief and useful recap of the previous films--this closing chapter dissapoints more than it entertains, despte the good fight scenes (where many of the bizarre excersizes Tiger's ninja trainer back in the first film subjected him to come in handy). The biggest dissapointment is the Masked Ninja. He is unleashed yet again, but we get very little payoff action- or storywise for all the buildup.

"Ninja Death III" is as full of goofiness as the first two chapters in the series, but I am hard-pressed to describe it as "good", or even recommend it for a Bad Movie Night; it's a little too stupid and some parts feel padded. (The best thing I can say about the film is that Tiger gets through it without raping a single girl in his sleep.)

I wonder, though, if this film couldn't be salvaged with better dubbing/translation and extensive editing. The creditless credit sequences seem to show that this film was abandoned while in process (at least as far as the exporting of it went), and I wonder if there is a single 95-minute good movie lurking within the 260-minute running time of the current the three installments.

'Balls of Fury' exposes cluelessness of critics

Balls of Fury
Starring: Dan Fogler, George Lopez, Christopher Walken, Maggie Q, James Hong, and Thomas Lennon
Director: Ben Garant
Steve's Rating: Six of Ten Stars

A one-time child Ping-Pong star (Folger), who has been reduced to performing Ping-Pong tricks at a dinner theater--is recruited by the FBI to infiltrate the deadly underground table-tennis tournament hosted by reclusive Chinese crimelord and Ping-Pong effecianado Feng (Walken).



"Balls of Fury" is the best film I've seen on the big screen in several weeks. It's funny not only because it takes the harmless rec-room sport of table-tennis and turns it into a game of mortal combat, but also because it's a hilarious spoof of the 1970s-style martial arts movies, and even the Yellow Menace films from the 1930s and 1960s.

Contrary to what critics seem to think, this is more of a spoof of the traditional Chinese martial arts movie than it is a spoof of sports films. It's got all the cliches you'd expect from a Bruce Lee film, or a Shaw Bros. prodution from the 1970s, except instead of Kung Fu, we've got paddles and tiny white balls. (We get a little bit of Kung Fu, courtesy of the love interest played by Maggie Q. who also gives us a very attractive showing of skin.)


There's also some obvious nods to the Fu Manchu movies of the late 1960s, both through Christopher Walken's character and the location and nature of his stronghold.

Yet, most critics seem to have missed these fairly obvious cues.

This is another film that is getting bad reviews from a number of critics who simply don't have enough of a context to understand it. They are comparing it to movies like "Blades of Glory" when they should be considering it in the light of "Enter the Dragon". These same critics also missed the boat on "Nacho Libre" for much the same reasons--they simply aren't well-versed enough in genre pictures to properly judge a film that's primarily directed at lovers of B-movies.

What's amazing about these critics missing the foundation of this film is that not only do they have numerous scenes mirroring "Enter the Dragon", not to mention much of the storyline, but they have a supporting cast of actors who have appeared in numerous Kung Fu action films over the years. There's also the fact that the main Chinese bad guy is being played by a white man, like Fu Manchu has been in every scrreen appearance--Boris Karloff, Christopher Lee, Peter Sellers, and Nicolas Cage are all as non-Asian as Christopher Walken.
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While the film is more chuckle than laugh-inducing, it's nowhere near as bad as the "professionals" would have you believe. They simply do not understand what they are watching, and they are completely missing all but the most obvious slapstick and "Naked Gun"-esque jokes. It's rather sad to watch them revealed to be utterly clueless about genre films and therefore totally miss the essense of "Balls of Fury".

I suppose it can be said that this is a film with humor that's too low for the "real" critics to get, because it's poking fun at films that many of them haven't bothered to see.

Even allowing for cluelessness, I think many critics are dumping on this movie unfairly. The actors all show great comedic talent and timing. Even Maggie Q. (who is having a really good year, since this is the second quality film she's appeared in this summer, the first being "Live Free or Die Hard") who I suspect is mostly in the film for her hot body gets in some funny moments by playing off the martial arts film stereotypes. Fogler is hilarious as he bumbles his way through the storyline, ultimately ending up in a Ping-Pong battle to the death against Christopher Walken's unpredictable, wakcy-yet-menacing evil Chinese villian. James Hong is also very funny as he applies martial arts cliches to the "ancient art of Ping-Pong" and delivers motivational speeches full of similies that are anything but expected. (In fact, it's a toss-up as to who's funnier in the film, Walken or Hong. Both really earned their paychecks for this one.)

If you have a sense of humor and a love for class martial arts movies, I think you'll enjoy "Balls of Fury" immensely. Trust me. You don't want to take the word of the "experts" on this one. They truly don't know what they're talking about. (I recommend taking in a matinee, as it's cute but not exactly roof-raising. It's just not as bad as the critics would have you believe.)

Fatal Flaw: Takes silly concept seriously

Variable Geo (1999)
Rating: Four of Ten Stars



In the animated 'Variable Geo,' waitresses who are also experts in exoteric martial arts styles battle in a series of matches to be named the world's battle queen. There's a darker side to the Variable Geo tournaments... and our heroines end up running headlong into it.

I thought 'Variable Geo' sounded like a hoot, so I picked up up. The first ten minutes are the tone I would have expected... but after that, the concept of warrior waitresses is started to be taken seriously not only by the story, but, the episodes assume, by the viewer as well. It's a flaw that turns what could have been a fun romp into a rather excrutiating 80 minutes.

To make matters worse, the first three episodes end on a cliffhanger. I imagine this means there's a 'Variable Geo II' on the horizon. It's a sequel that I at least will be ignoring.

On the techincal front, the animation was average and the voice acting (in the English dubbed version) was slightly above average.